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My
name is Dennis and I am an alcoholic.
I
was born and raised in Southern Louisiana, where the parties
and dances are a way of life. I don't
really know for sure when or where I came in contact with
alcohol for the first time; but, I would guess I must have
been around nine or ten years old. To make a long story short, I spent my high school
years partying obsessively and continuously. My life, even then, revolved around acquiring and
using alcohol and extracurricular drugs.
After
graduating high school, I moved to a new town and almost
immediately met my future spouse. I hardly remember my wedding day, for I spent the
week previous to the wedding in a continuous drunk. This came to typify my daily routine for the next
fifteen years; that is, one long continuous drunk. Although I am small in build and stature, I built
up quite a high tolerance for whiskey (I only used beer as a
chaser). I don't know how much you guys
know about southern Louisiana, but I lived in a town where
the bars were open twenty-four hours a day. I could enter a bar on payday, and emerge three
or four days later (less one paycheck). At this time in my career, I was a wild well
control specialist. Almost every day for fifteen years I
worked in the most dangerous job in the world---and I did it
drunk. My peers and I partied hard and
long and worked the same way. I
seemed to be a highly functional drunk. I made lots of money and we all know where that
leads a good alcoholic/drug addict. Fights, jails, broken relationships,
etc... A long
trail of devastation.
It
was around 1989 when things really began to become serious. It began with what we call around here, "The
Oil Slump" around the end of the eighties. The company I was working for began to do drug and
alcohol testing and I quickly lost my job; however, I began
working for various other companies, and began trying to
control my intake of alcohol. It took
maybe two years to realize that I was fighting a losing
battle. I quit trying to quit! I soon found myself financially bankrupt and my
wife and children close to starving. At this point, I made up my mind to quit for good.
I even stayed drug and alcohol free for about
eight months. In retrospect, I remember that
period as really crazy. I had
no earthly idea what "normal" people did with their
time; there seemed to be so much extra. I was restless almost constantly.
My wife later told me that that had been the best
period our marriage had ever been. All I know is that she had no idea what was going
on inside my head during that period!! I thought I was going insane!!
So,
needless to say, the inevitable happened. When I went out, I went full tilt.
What little possessions we still had were quickly
used on drugs and booze. It was
then that something wonderful happened. My wife informed me that she was leaving; and, she
was taking the kids with her. This
was the most powerful wake-up call I ever had and probably
the first surge of real emotion (besides hate and anger) I
ever remember feeling. It hurt me and scared me deeply
at the same time. I became frantic, and quickly
told her I would seek help (although I had no idea where or
how). I placed a call to my younger
brother and he quickly told me he knew just what to do. That night, I found myself in a psychiatric
hospital staring at something called the "12 Steps"
hanging on the wall. As I read them, I said to myself,
"Oh crap, there's that stupid G-word all over the wall." My brother said, "That's the
way to recover, right there on the wall." It was at that point that I felt as if I was in a
very deep pit, with no daylight at all. I had never believed in God and knew that if those
steps were the ONLY way to recover, I was a dead man. I cannot describe the despair and hopelessness
that overcame me. I simply gave up--this was it. If I would have been anywhere except that ward, I
would not be alive today.
Well,
I went on and completed the treatment program at that
hospital, and then went on to a half-way house for extended
treatment. It was during my stay at that
house that I underwent the profound psychic change that the
Big Book tells us about. It was
during my Fourth Step that I discovered that everything I
thought I knew, and everything I believed in was FALSE. Totally wrong!!
And then it dawned on me that I
was the source of all my troubles. ME, not another soul, just
me. I suddenly knew something of the
TRUTH. God was real, He had to be. It was here that I said my first real prayer.
It was simple and sincere. I said, "Oh God, PLEASE help me."
With
that simple utterance, my world changed forever. I knew the victory of surrender to Him.
The joy of a life unburdened by mere material
things. I quickly found what makes Dennis
happy--the happiness one can only get by being of service to
others. So simple. Almost ridiculously simple. Before, the world seemed so complicated; now, when
I feel overwhelmed by the chaos, I remember, "Keep it
SIMPLE." I no longer seek happiness at
the expense of others.
I
have just recently graduated from college with a Bachelor of Arts degree in elementary education.
I finished second in my class of 144 souls with a grade point average of
3.968. If that isn't a miracle, I wouldn't know one if it
hit me over the head. After twenty-three years of alcohol and drug use (two fifths of sour mash a day for about
eleven years straight), it is truly a gift from the Creator. Never in
my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined the life I have today.
Words cannot describe how truly grateful I am to the program
of Alcoholics Anonymous, and all who are involved--those who
came before and those yet to come. Most of all, I am very grateful
that God has given me a second chance. I realize that I have gone a little overboard, but
this in no way comes close to the WHOLE story.
I
hope that this narrative allows all of you a little peek
inside of me. Sorry about the length. May God Bless and I pray that
God may light a candle in each of your hearts, so that all
may sweep the rubbish from His dwelling place.
Dennis O.
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Last edited on: May 01, 2004
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