I started drinking
when I was about 14. I remember parts of my first drunk
but I blacked out the very first time. You could say I
took to alcohol like a fish to water and it quickly
became my comfort. I was a chubby nerdy kid who was
teased all the way through school until I discovered
alcohol. My "fat free" food! (I used that
excuse for years) I was always more outgoing when I was
drunk. I drank really heavy for a long time. My brothers
would pick me up from my friends' house and I would be so
drunk I could barely walk. They didn't say anything but
got worried and told my dad. My dad never got angry but
always told me there was not a person in our family that
could hold their booze. I thought I did just fine. I
never threw up!
When I was 16 I
got a job in a bar and the bartenders used to make me
Rootbeer Cokes so I could drink without the owners
suspecting. My manager would buy a drink and take me back
to the walk-in cooler so I could drink. I also talked a
teacher at my school into buying for me too. I was the
type who got what I wanted. (Not much has changed there---yet.)
We had a bar that if you were 18 or older you could go in
and dance but not drink. If you had older friends who
could buy, then you could go to the bathroom and chug
down a drink. I stole my friends ID out of her purse when
I was 19 so I could go into the bars. This girl and I
looked a lot alike and I got by with it until I turned 21.
On my 21st
birthday, I made a decision that I would not remember it
and I don't. I blacked out almost immediately every time
I drank. I drank anything that had alcohol in it, whiskey,
Everclear, mixed drinks, beer, you name it. I drank beer
because it was cheaper than mixed drinks. I had "friends"
who would leave me in strange towns, and I would be drunk
and try to find my way home. I drove home drunk every
weekend and was one of the lucky few who made it home
safely without killing someone, getting dents in my car,
or getting picked up. I never got a DWI or suffered any
consequences for my drinking. I only suffered losing my
self-esteem and my mind and almost my life. I can only
think of two instances that I almost got in trouble with
the law but some how I managed to get out of it. WOW! I
think I would rather have been thrown in jail sometimes.
I couldn't be
around people or entertain without drinking first or
during. Or if parties were dying, I'd get plastered to
get it going. All I did was make a fool out of myself. I
would have to call my "friends" and ask then
what happened the night before. I woke up with bruises on
my legs and arms that I didn't know why. I woke up with
strangers in my bed and phone calls from men that I didn't
remember giving my number to. I had terrible
relationships with men who drank more than I did. I was
mentally abused and had a guy threaten to hit me on a
drunken rampage. All the men I met were from the bars. I
thought that was the best place to meet men. I got
married but didn't stop my running around. It slowed down
at times but I always ended back where I was. Drunk,
lonely, feeling sorry for myself and wanting to die.
Many, many lonely
days and nights sitting on my kitchen floor with a bottle
of something in one hand and a knife in the other. I
wouldn't answer the door or the phone. I'd say I was
sleeping or I was in the basement and I didn't hear it I
had many times when my mom would show up and I would
ignore here and she'd sit in my driveway calling me on
her cell phone. I was so ashamed of what I had become.
January 1, 1996
was my first serious suicide attempt. I was on a 2-3
month drunk and my marriage was going to hell and I
wanted to be with someone else. Always wanting the bigger
better deal not appreciating the things I had, wanting
more. I was in a hotel room with my husband, who was
uninvited, cutting my wrists with my keys drunker than a
skunk! I stayed sober for a while, couple months. Mostly
because I was taking anti-depressants and it was
suggested that I didn't drink.
Then I had a party
for my friend who was getting married and thought "just
one", then "just one more", then "just
a little shot of this". Next thing I knew the "designated
driver" was being driven around. That same night I
tried to talk my friend into not marrying this guy and
told her what a loser he was. (Like I had any room to
talk.) Some terrible things happened that night that I
will never forget and must someday make amends. I also
learned, after that, how much quicker I could get drunk
with the medication. I decided a few months after this
that my marriage wasn't working out. I ran off with a guy
and when I came back, my life was a mess. I drank for 2
days straight and finally the second day I asked my
husband to take me to the hospital because I wanted to
die and I needed help. I'll never forget how hopeless
life seemed then. Death seemed to be the best way to get
out of it. I thought if I killed myself then everyone
would be much better off, no one would have to worry
about me.
I was diagnosed as
an alcoholic, I didn't think it was that bad, but I went
along with it. I figured I had nothing else to lose. I
went to treatment, but didn't make any changes and ended
up taking codeine 3 weeks after treatment and cutting my
wrists with a razor blade knife. I still wanted to live
the old way, just without the booze. I quickly learned
that that was not going to work either. That was December
26, 1996 and I have been sober ever since. I know that if
I go back, I will finish the job---there's no doubt in my
mind. I know that I could not live with myself the way I
was.
I have had several
sponsors and still have very little trust in people. This
will probably take some time for me. I have tried having
a sponsor who live hundreds of miles away and realized
that it was the "easier softer way" too.
Reaching out is difficult also. I tend to "white
knuckle" it instead of getting some help. Although
it has slowly gotten better, I still need a lot of work
in this area.
Are you reading
this? Open up and talk to people. Ask for help and don't
try to do it alone. You don't have to do anything you don't
want to but if you want to stay sober, there are some
things you MUST do. First and foremost, GO TO MEETINGS,
listen, and look for the similarities and not the
differences. Read the Big Book, get phone numbers, USE
THEM, and try real hard to let others get to know you.
They say this is a "simple" program but it's
the hardest thing you will ever do in your life and it's
worth it. Living life on life's terms is a new concept
for me, but it's better than drowning it in a bottle.
Good luck to you and we in the fellowship love you no
matter what.
