Hello, my name is Marti and I'm an alcoholic.

     These simple words when I used them for the first time at an AA meeting placed me on the path to recovery. In telling me the truth about me and my drinking, I don't have the luxury of ignorance as I continue to recover on a daily basis from the disease of alcoholism.

     My mother told me a story of how when I was five, she was having a get-together and had set out some glasses of wine.  When she went to get the wine to serve her guests she noticed the glasses were empty. She has said that out of childish curiosity I had consumed the wine then told her about it.

     I remember getting sips of beer now and then from relatives.  At the time, it was considered to be pretty harmless to give a child a small sip of beer.  I remember experiencing my first "drunk" at the age of 13 as a result of mooching beer off of my mother.  My father didn't think that was appropriate and he ended up putting a stop to that practice. At the time, alcohol was not something I felt compelled to use and I could either take it or leave it at that point.

     From that point until I reached the age of 17, I didn't pick up another drink.  I spent my teenage years feeling like a social outcast and I did pick up the habit of cigarette smoking.  Having an older brother who was mentally disabled resulted in me feeling as if I had to be the one to meet my parents expectations to get an education and live a "normal" life.

     To be honest, I was so bored in school   I didn't put any effort into my school work. I remember my father telling me that I should probably take a class in remedial reading because of my less-than-above-average grades. The irony is that when I was tested at the age of sixteen., my reading and writing skills where at college level.

     The feeling of being alone and the tendency to isolate surfaced a lot during my teenage years. When I was seventeen, I was invited to a party by a friend who lived on her own. Until that point in time, I had never touched a controlled substance, and was pretty straitlaced in how I conducted myself.

     That night I got drunk and I loved it. I felt like I was smart, pretty, and fun to be around.  I even had my first experience with pot.  At that point, I had somehow crossed the invisible line and the phenomenon of progression had set in. By then, I was a full blown alcoholic.

     Over the next eight years, I was always looking for the next party.  I had no interest in hanging out with people who didn't party. Many of the good values my parents taught me went out the window when alcohol entered the picture. I came to understand the meaning of "incomprehensible demoralization"

     During my drinking years I did have some consequences. I ended up on academic probation at the community college I attended.   I guess you could say that I found out the hard way that I had to make time for studying (what a concept). I managed to somehow dig myself out of that hole and eventually transferred to Illinois State University.

     During the two years I spent at ISU, I went through three roommates. It didn't occur to me until after I had found recovery that I was the one who was a pain to live with. I wouldn't live in a dorm that banned alcohol and had to be in walking distance from the local bars. I was not a daily drinker; but, when I drank I got drunk. In fact I felt that people who had just one or two drinks didn't know how to drink. I was a "real" drinker.

     One night, I called the local AA hotline and a friend of Bill W. answered the phone.  I remember asking him if I was an alcoholic.  He told me that he couldn't tell me whether or not I was. This kind man spent two hours on the phone with me and he shared his story with me and suggested I go try a meeting. I didn't...but then I also called the hotline under the influence of alcohol. Talking to an alcoholic who is under the influence was, in my case, as effective as talking to a brick wall. This person probably stayed sober from trying to help me, but I wasn't ready to get help then.

     A number of things happened to me as a result of my drinking.  Gave myself a black eye and don't remember how that happened.  Got a letter of censure from the University because I violated the rules pertaining to alcohol use. My last night as a student I fell off a flight of stairs while drunk and being the good alcoholic I was felt grateful that the wine coolers I had on hand were intact.  I can only say that through the grace of God I didn't kill myself as a result of falling down two stories and was able to walk away with only bruises and scrapes.   When I look back, I'm amazed about how I treated my life and well-being with callous disregard.

      When I came back to my parents house after graduating, I focused on what was important to me---and that involved going on a two month long party. Through a friend of mine I met a man with whom I had a brief fling and I became pregnant as a result. The man didn't want to have anything to do with the baby I was carrying and my parents were furious with me for getting pregnant.

      I spent my pregnancy working what some of us drunks jokingly call  "the marijuana maintenance program." My parents eventually came around and were supportive of my decision to have and raise the baby.  Through the grace of God, I gave birth to a healthy normal baby girl on June 19, 1992. When I got into recovery, I felt tremendous guilt for smoking pot during my pregnancy, and a woman in AlAnon told me that God looked out for my daughter when I couldn't.

      By that point, the self-destructive world I created for myself started to unravel by the seams. Whether or not I wanted to, I was seeing how my drinking and drug usage was affecting my life. My grandfather died that October and I promised myself I wouldn't drink over it and I did. I found myself watering down the booze to hide my drinking from my family which had by now progressed to a daily habit. My parents took on a lot of the care taking responsibilities for the baby and I knew I was out of control.

     Shortly before my grandfather died, I called the AA hotline and got the times and places to go to for meetings and called a friend of mine and told her I was going to a meeting.  She told me I didn't drink enough to be an alcoholic. I allowed myself to be persuaded and at that time continued to drink.

     On New Years Eve, I went to a party and got drunk---later at home I wound up puking and crying in the kitchen sink.  The next day all I could do was lie down in my room in a fetal position because I was very ill from that drunk. Two days later, I went with my family to see my uncle and had a couple of beers to maintain my equilibrium. That was my last drink---while in bed recovering from my New Years Eve drunk I had finally admitted the truth to myself ---I was an alcoholic.

      When I got back into town, I called the AA hotline and two days later went to my very first meeting. I don't remember much of what was said. The people there gave me some phone numbers and said if I wanted to pick up a drink to pick up the phone instead. I remember a woman talking about falling off the toilet...(guess I identified) and I was told to KEEP COMING BACK. It was strange being in a roomful of people who hugged me and welcomed me. I felt like I had belonged.

      At first, I picked up that phone and used it so I wouldn't drink. That very simple, basic advice kept me sober initially. Now when it came down to actually working the program...I did balk and was skeptical.

      I feel that the first few months of my sobriety God kept me sober in spite of myself. I called the woman who ended up being my first AA sponsor and told her that I thought sobriety sucked.  She told me there was a difference between being dry and being sober and if I didn't want to take the actions, I was welcome to go back out and do more research. At the time, I thought it was mean of her to say such a thing to me, but she just told me the truth and without that luxury of ignorance I started to work the steps.

     I had my seven year sober anniversary on January 4, 2000. My life has changed tremendously since getting sober. My daughter is an eight-year-old Pokemon Fanatic. I have been able to hold down a job in my field. My dream of being a homeowner came to pass for me as well.

      These changes over the last few years didn't happen overnight. I still have problems today and some days I still find myself getting restless, irritable, and discontented. The good news is I haven't had to pick up a drink. Just because I'm sober today doesn't mean I don't have problems. I've been on welfare sober and I was fired from one job while sober, among other things. What I have learned by working the steps is there is always a solution to whatever is troubling me.  The program of AA offers a simple design for living that really works---and it works even better when I don't complicate it.

      The friendships I've developed through the program have helped me to grow. The Big Book gives me the directions I need to live life as a sober member of AA. The meetings give me an opportunity to have fellowship with other drunks and being of service has helped me to become a part of AA.

Thanks for letting me share!

Marti W.

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©Copyright 1999-2000 by Marti W. All rights reserved. No parts of this essay may be reproduced without written permission from the author.  This page is privately maintained and is in no way affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous or any other organization or institution. The views and/or opinions are solely my own and does not represent the views or opinions of any organization.
Last edited on: May 01, 2004