The long version.......
A little about myself, or I should say a lot,
depending how you look at it. I say also that this is only about me. I won't go
into a drunkalogue too much because of the reason that I am not proud of the
amount I drank, or what I drank. I just know that I drank too damn much. Some of
you might have drank more than me, some of you drank less than me, but we all
became the same thing--Alcoholics. We are people who have lost the ability to
control their drinking. So here I am now--sober and with a story to tell you--a
story of what happened to me.
I think that I was your typical, everyday, average,
nonconforming, nonbelieving, nonloving, using, abusing drunk. It wasn't my fault
though, it was everybody else's. It was my parent's fault for separating when I
was 2 years old and left in my grandparent's care (no one loved me). It was all
of my uncle's faults (I grew up with them and of course I drank with them). By
the way, I grew up in Cornwall, Ontario--great place for a teenage alky like me.
On any night, you had your choice, going to Quebec to drink (a 20 minute drive),
or going to Massena, New York (another 20 minute jaunt). However, I was even
luckier--my uncles would take me into any of the bars in Cornwall and this
started when I was 16.
My patterns didn't really change--they just
progressed. I remember writing final exams with hangovers, getting kicked off
the football team for showing up at a game drunk, spending the odd night in the
local drunk tank, and ruining some early relationships. When did my alcoholism
start? Well as you can see, it started at a very early age. It started when I
couldn't deal with a whole lot of other problems. I always thought it was normal
for a kid to have to have booze in his locker, booze in his bedroom, and under
the seat of his car. I used to look with envy at so called "NORMAL
PEOPLE" and boy did it piss me off. Resentments that start at an early age
tend to seat themselves quite well in the old brain and grow into all sorts of
nice cancerous thinking. I was well on my way to becoming "ONE SICK
PUPPY."
Then all those things
were going to change. I turned 20 and I fell in love. I met a stripper in a
local bar and I knew at once that this was it-- maturity. I could start a family
and be a man--a provider (all the things my father was not). See where my
typical alcoholic thinking was guiding me. Actually, all kidding aside, the
marriage made in heaven lasted 23 years and produced three lovely children and I
am very proud of all of them. It did nothing to deal with my inner problems
however. They continued to roll merrily along. I had a wife, a career, and a
good income. What more could a person ask for? I wasn't happy for some reason. I
felt that I had to always prove something. What it was, I didn't know. Whom I
was to prove it to, I didn't know. Moreover, why I had to prove it, was, again,
a complete mystery. To realize the "why," I had to go the whole route
of becoming a full-blown alcoholic.
My wife endured my drinking for all those years.
She did stay with me, and stood by me, in some pretty rotten predicaments that I
got myself into. We complimented each other, she let me drink and I let her have
the control that she liked to have.
The marriage only started to really fall apart in
my fifth year of sobriety (my sobriety date is May 1, 1988). So, in 1993 is when
things began to unravel. My ex-wife started to look for someone else she could
look after (something that she had been doing most of her life) since she had
decided she really didn't like me sober. And that's okay, because I had been
taught that just because I stopped drinking, had found a belief in a GOD of my
understanding, acceptance of my alcoholism and of myself, I had not been
promised by GOD or by anyone in the program an eternal rose garden. I am only
promised that if I live my life the way that it is suggested to me, I will be
able to cope or handle most situations that I will encounter.
I have been faced
with some difficult problems in my sobriety; but I have been given the tools
with which to handle these problems--through listening, learning, and trying to
always be teachable. A far cry from the person that I used to be--since I was
always the person who knew it all.
The program of
Alcoholics Anonymous didn't just ruin my drinking. It created a whole new person
within me. A person that I could also learn to love and accept. No longer did I
have to get up in the morning, feel sick while looking at the person in the
mirror while shaving, and feel nothing but vile contempt for the person that
lived inside my body. When you people started to show me the "how" of
"how to love," show me the "why" of "why to love,"
and the results of that love, I began to accept myself at face value. I was
OKAY!!! I was only human and I had no more reason to wade through that
world of bullshit any longer. I had found a home.
I live a fairly
simple life now. I try to be the best person I can be, just for today. I
remember the past, but I don't dwell in it. I don't try to create my own
tomorrows, they will freely be given to me by my loving GOD. I live in today
(the present), GOD'S present to me. I try to help as many people as I can,
because I believe the more I help people, the more I really help myself…a
wonderful cure for all time. Sharing and caring for our fellow man…nothing new
in the concept--nothing novel in my ideas. They were around a long time before
me…tried, tested, and true. All I needed was love and direction. All that was
required was for me to be honest with myself, honest with you, and to work the
program to the best of my ability. I was told to get a Big Book, go to meetings,
get a sponsor and work with that sponsor, do the steps whole-heartedly, not
half-assed like I had always done before, and work and hang around other sober
people, and if I did that, "good things" would happen to me.
I have had a few of
those "good things" happen so far in the time I have been sober, and I
choose to call them MIRACLES. They do come true, if you work for them. I had the
"Promises" from page 83 and 84 of the Big Book ingrained in my mind. I
wanted what they meant so DAMN BAD IT ACHED. I had had enough of the misery, so
when you let me have a glimpse of what the miracles did for you people, I was
"hungry" and willing.
Well, that’s enough
about me for now. Thank you for putting up with MY longwindyness and thank you
for my sobriety. I wish each and every one of you another 24 hours.
I also would like to
say I have a site posted at: http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Meadows/3724/
that has a lot of good recovery links posted there. If you are new to the
program, and want to learn a little more, check out my site. If you are new to
the program and want to learn a "LOT MORE," then drag your
"BUTT" to a whole bunch of face to face, real meetings and see the
smiling faces. You will "want" what they have, I guarantee it. This
program is contagious.............. THANK GOD!!!!!!!!
