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Hi everybody! My name is Grace and I am an alcoholic. By God's grace and through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I haven’t had a drink since June 21, 1986. I heard somebody say once that God brought me to AA and AA brought me to God. And that is how it happened to me. I would never have thought that I would say something like that, because the last thing I wanted to hear when I came into these rooms was any mention of God. And when I heard that word God, they told me not to worry about it and just believe in a power greater than myself. Well, I could swallow that. And I am glad I did, that I was willing and open-minded enough to stick around and I was hurting bad enough. So I did what you told me to do, my way wasn’t working for me anymore. Alcohol beat me down low enough, to where I was asking for help. I believe that was as humble as I ever got. I hit my bottom pretty hard, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I believe that if I would have stayed out there any longer I would be dead and I am surprised that I didn’t die, the way I drank and drove in blackouts, or kill somebody else. I am one of those lucky ones because I just did not get caught. I have a lot of "I nevers," I never went to jail, I never got a DUI, I never killed somebody driving drunk. But I did a lot of damage, to my family, my friends, my boss, and to myself. Let me start at the beginning. I was born on October 18, 1952. I am the youngest of five. I was born in Holland and we moved to the States in 1966. My mother never drank a drop of liquor nor did she smoke or use foul language and she worked hard. My father was a drunk. My mother, sisters, and brother told me all this because I never saw my dad drink. I remember certain incidents with him, and the day before we left to come to the States we said goodbye. I have not seen or heard from him since. The earliest I remember drinking was when I was in the 10th grade. My friends and I had a case of beer to drink on our lunch hour by the railroad tracks. We had to guzzle it down and that was hard to do, but I wanted to get high like everybody else. I am not sure if I even liked it. I just wanted to fit in. I never fit in. I believe I was born an alcoholic. Even as a child I felt very awkward and insecure and I had a lot of anger. I was now off on my drinking career. I had a lot of fun, especially in the beginning. Alcohol did for me what I could not do for myself. It made me feel pretty, more sociable, and all those insecurities went away. Like they say, "I had arrived." I ended up getting married against my mother’s wishes. Nobody could tell me what to do. I would not listen and what do they know anyway. I was running on self-will. My new husband drank like I did, and not only did he drink, he smoked pot too. We did lots of other drugs, but alcohol was my drug of choice. That was a constant in my life. My alcoholism progressed over the years and I became a daily drinker. The marriage was a disaster from the start; it was physically and emotionally abusive. He would go out on me, and I would show him, I'd go get drunk. I would end up in the sleaziest places. I was miserable and it was everybody else's fault. Look what you did to me! Poor me. I progressed to blackout drinking. I remember driving and coming out of a blackout not knowing where I was at 5:00 am and whom I had been with. The guilt and shame got worse. So I drank to cover up all those feelings, and they never went away. So I drank more, and this went on for years. During those times my brother had decided to commit suicide, he ended up being an alcoholic, and how could he do this to me and embarrass me. I was so full of self, I was sick. My sister, who is a year older than me, was worse off than I was. I had not seen her for a while, but she was going to AA and she was even going to school. I did not know exactly what AA was. I do remember sitting in the bar knowing I was an alcoholic, I did not care, so what, who cares. I was called a lush, a drunk, and I was trouble, especially what came out of my mouth. I got to a point where I started getting real tired, alcohol wasn’t doing it for me anymore, I had a lot of shame, guilt feelings, I was crawling on the floors drunk, slurring my words, and nobody wanted me around anymore. I believe I had a moment of clarity---I did not want to live that way anymore. I decided that I would visit my sister in AA and I was to go on a Monday, but I ended up getting drunk. Tuesday was the day and I went looking for the church. I went in the church itself and they told me it was the old building on the side. There I was, scared to death, I did not see my sister, but I stayed. They liked me all right and showed me all around the meetings in town. I got a lot of attention, I did not know you were suppose to stop drinking altogether and for about a week I did drink. Then I figured out I was not to drink at all. I had a lot of brain damage. Today I am glad that I drank for that week, to detox myself some. It was hard in the beginning, but I never had to go out again. I did not want to hear about God. But I was willing to believe in a power greater than myself. Today I choose to call it "God." I have a homegroup and am an active member of AA. I had to do a lot of practicing and acting "AS IF" and "THIS TOO SHALL PASS." My life did not get better when I first got sober. I was getting better at handling life sober with a God of my understanding, the program, and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. With a sponsor and the Big Book all I have to do is follow some simple directions. Sometimes I like to make it complicated and I make lots of mistakes. But I have the willingness. I have wonderful women friends in the program to call and I can be a friend to the men in the program. I was one of those drunks who could never keep her clothes on. Today I can be a lady and keep my clothes on and my mouth clean. I try to be a useful member of society and not a nuisance. That is part of the amends I try to make. I am remarried now to a loving husband and I can be a loving and supportive wife (still learning). I have been given a lot of gifts in sobriety by the God of my understanding. The greatest gift of all is that God has removed the desire to drink from me. Because without that I am nothing. I should have been dead. I am truly grateful, sometimes so much it overflows. Each day I thank God for allowing me another day and throughout the day I thank God, ask God for help when I am confused or angry, and at night I thank God before I go to sleep for my sobriety. I have all this by coming to and practicing the 12 steps and traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous to the best of my ability. The fellowship has giving me so much. I just do the best I can, try to be there for the newcomer, and give to them what has been so freely given to me. Love to you all. Love and hugs, Grace
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