My name is Gordon and I am a Grateful Alcoholic.
I
do tend to forget about the grateful part. But I will go into that later.
I was born in Clovis, New Mexico on October 18th, 1953 and live in Mesa,
Arizona
(Phoenix area) since 1956. I am married to a wonderful woman who introduced
me to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. We have a son who was born
here in
Mesa on September 28, 1984 and living with me and my wife, and I have a daughter
from a previous marriage who was born in Annapolis, Maryland on June 23rd,
1973 and is married and has two daughters of her own. They also live
here in Mesa
somewhere, but I don't know where due to some of the wreckage of my past. I
made my amends to her and have to let God do the rest. Hopefully some
day she will
find God and He will help to soften her heart.
I honestly don't know when I took
my first drink. My parents used to let my younger sister and I each
have a weak mixed drink on New Year's
Eve when we were kids. I am guessing around the age of 8. I don't remember
it affecting me in any way. I also am not sure of my first drunk. I do
remember having a few beers with my buddies during my senior year of high
school. I don't remember ever getting drunk with them. My preference then
was pot. And back then that was enough.
It wasn't until the summer after
high school that I had a true blackout drunk. I spent that summer up
in Prescott, Arizona with my grandparents. I actually
didn't spend much time with them, as it was to be nothing but a big party
all summer for me (I had joined the Navy and had to report to boot
camp on Oct.
25th). I had made quite a few friends there in Prescott and we had a big
party at a nearby lake. I remember getting a ride there in someone's
van. Next thing
I can remember is I woke up in a strange bed, with a strange woman next to
me in a strange house. Lesson learned? Not hardly!!
For a while after that I didn't drink much. I returned home to Mesa about
a week before leaving for San Diego. My high school buddies threw me a
big going away party the night before I left. They almost took me to the
hospital because I got so violently sick and was hugging the toilet for
so many hours. I did make it to boot camp on time and didn't drink again
until Christmas time when my buddies gave my wife-to-be and me a bottle
of V.O. I can't remember if we got drunk on that bottle or not. She was
not much of a drinker and I didn't consider myself much of one either.
More or less, we pretty much turned into social drinkers after getting
married, just having a few here and there for different occasions. I don't
recall either of us getting drunk for the four years that I was in the
Navy.
Approximately 3 months before I was to get out of the service, I decided
to take my wife and daughter back to Mesa and buy a place to live and get
them set up in it. We were living in a 2-bedroom two-story apartment in
Maryland at the time. We packed up everything we owned into a U-Haul trailer
and I took 30 days leave to move them back home. Everything went well.
Upon returning to Maryland, I moved into the barracks. I would call my
wife every night while I was on duty. My duty hours were midnight until
8am. The calls were free, compliments of the government. One night during
our conversation she told me that she was bored and would like to start
going out. I thought she meant with some of her girlfriends, but I was
wrong. She told me she wanted to start dating other men. Of course, I went
ballistic.
I quit sending her money, quit calling,
and quit everything. I'll show her! I started going to the bars and trying
to pick up women. I had never
done this as we had gotten married right out of High School. This was all
very new and very strange to me. About a week before my discharge, my wife
called me at work and begged me to come home. She wanted to try and make
our marriage work. So, I did go home after being discharged. I immediately
started looking for a job.
Upon returning home one day after job
hunting, I found that all her and my daughters' belongings were missing.
The note said: We moved in with "The
Guy Next Door." I was, I was, I was...............I really can't put into
words how I felt. "Crushed" comes to mind at the moment.
Anyway, I blamed myself for all my misery
and hers and my daughter's. I went on to drown my sorrows with alcohol
and drugs.
I became a heavy
drinker in no time at all. Drinking became more important than anything
else in my life at this time. Bills were not getting paid; any money I
did manage to get would go towards my drinking. I got some roommates to
help out with the house payments and utilities. But they were in the same
boat as me. They drank and drugged just as much as I did and none of us
had a job! As the saying goes: "Birds of a feather..."
So, my problem drinking started for me at age 22 and I didn't realize
it was a problem until 19 years later, at age 41, and married for the third
time. Wife #3 started complaining about my drinking several years ago.
The more she confronted me with it, the more I tried to hide it from her.
It got to the point that I was spending very little time at home. Long
hours at work, (we all drank at work after hours in the back room) and
always stopping at a friend's house on the way home. I can't remember how
many times I promised to stop drinking, how many times I honestly tried
to stop and couldn't.
The last time I promised to stop drinking,
I lasted a week before taking a drink. I had one beer after work, none
the next
day, then one the next
day. So by the end of the second week of my not drinking I had drank only
5 beers. I was rather proud of myself for controlling my drinking so well.
My wife asked me that weekend how I was doing with not drinking and I proudly
told her that I had only drank 5 beers in the last two weeks. She blew
up on me. "How could you do such a thing when you promised me?" she
asked. I didn't understand why she was so upset when I was doing so well!
Did I mention that she had been going to those Alanon meetings? Anyway,
she informed me that she and my son were going to move out. I begged her
not to and promised her that I would seek help. I promised that I would
start going to AA meetings as soon as I got back from the trip to Rocky
Point that my buddies and I had already planned, which was the next weekend.
Somehow, I talked her into giving me another chance. Meanwhile, I didn't
drink that week before my trip. She had packed my ice chest for me with
juices, Gatorade, and bottled water. I had made it to the Mexican Border
before I broke down and bought a 12 pack of beer on the American side of
the border. That was on Thursday, Oct. 19th, 1994, the day after my belly-button
birthday. That next Saturday, on Sandy Beach next to the Reef Bar, I dumped
half a can of beer in the sand and told myself that I had had enough of
this. I couldn't drink another drop of beer at that point. I had been drinking
for 3 days as much as I could drink. I had reached my physical limit and
could not consume another drop of alcohol. Strange part was, I wasn't drunk,
or at least I didn't feel drunk. I just felt that I had reached my limit.
It was a strange feeling and very hard to explain.
That was October 21, 1994. On October 22, 1994, I drank some of the orange
juice from my ice chest and dumped the rest of the contents of the ice
chest out on the ground and left to head home. Upon returning home, I once
again lied to my wife about my drinking. I thanked her for all the wonderful
fruit juices and such that she had packed in the ice chest for me. I then
started putting off going to an AA meeting. Monday--had to work late. Tuesday--too
tired. Wednesday--? Wednesday, I remember Wednesday.
Something happened that night. It was
late that night. Probably around 11:00. The wife and son were sound asleep.
I
went outside
to have a cigarette.
Something strange happened. I remember that all of a sudden I was overwhelmed
with remorse. I couldn't live in a lie anymore. I didn't know what to do
but I just couldn't go on letting my wife think that I had gone the weekend
without drinking and that I had drank all the stuff she had sent with me
and, etc., etc., etc. I broke down in tears and started sobbing. I looked
up into the night sky and I remember saying to myself, "Please God,
if you are there, please help me!" I went inside and went to bed.
I slept like a baby and woke up very refreshed. I worked my normal 10 hours
at work that day and went home and had dinner. I then took out the list
of AA meetings my wife had given me and picked one out and got in my truck
and drove down there and went inside. It was a Big Book Study group and
they read Chapter 8 that night. I remember thinking that my wife must have
called ahead and set it up! Today I know I hear what I need to hear when
I go to meetings! God is working in my life!
I have a home group of which I have been of service to, at the meeting
hall that I went to my first meeting at. I have been involved in an AA
camp-out at which I received my one, two, and three-year medallions at,
and I have been Secretary/Treasurer for my District. I sponsor those that
ask me to and I suit up and show up at meetings. I am trying to give back
some of what I have received from the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
As I mentioned at the start of this letter,
I am a Grateful Alcoholic. I feel that if I was not an alcoholic and
had not found the Fellowship
of Alcoholics Anonymous, that I would never have found the Higher Power
of my understanding that I choose to call God. Even though I sometimes
manage to let my gratitude slip away, I always get a subtle reminder in
some way that refreshes my memory. Usually when I least expect it. God
does work in wondrous ways! As a result of believing in God, I am now an
active member in Church and have given my life and my will to God. I have
come to realize that He has been watching over me all these years and it
was I that had forsaken Him, not the other way around!
Update: June 24, 2004
I feel it is probably time to update my
story as I wrote this 4 to 5 years ago.
First of all, I would like to wish my
daughter a Happy Birthday. She turned 31 years old yesterday and I still
haven’t had any contact with her.
I wrote a letter to her on June 13, 2004 explaining that I would like to be
involved in her life again, but that I would understand it to mean that she
didn’t want that if I did not hear back from her. So far, still no contact….
Happy Birthday Stacy Lynn
Now, where do I start on the last several
years? My involvement in the church has led me into doing Youth Summer
Camp and the summer of 1998
I spent three
weeks in Alaska as a volunteer handyman at a camp that had not been
used for many years. It was a wonderful experience for my family and
me. My
favorite week of that camp was the week that the blind campers were
there. I was so
amazed to see how close they were to God and how they had overcome
being blind.
They didn’t consider themselves as handicapped, but instead where
grateful for what they had and even more grateful for being able to
attend summer camp!
I could watch and listen to them for hours and I could see the happiness,
wonder and excitement in the expressions on their faces, as they would
explore the
new surroundings of camp.
The next year I was hired for summer camp
as the camp bus driver. Camp was in the beautiful White Mountains of
Arizona. Elevation near 8000
feet and
camp nestled in among the tall Ponderosa Pines. This is an awesome
place to get
close to God. Brilliant clear skies at night and I would feel like
I could reach out and touch the face of God. I absolutely loved being
around
all
the children at camp. Some of them really tugged on my heartstrings,
as I had several
that became favorites that were from foster homes. I only wish I
had been able to take them with me and give them a permanent home and
family.
I
know God
will provide for them, as they are just too special to be overlooked.
My third year at summer camp I was hired
as Assistant Camp Director and camp was in Prescott, Arizona. I didn’t enjoy camp as much I guess because
of the responsibilities I had. We had too many young counselors that summer
and too many romances going on between them. It was quite a challenge staying
on top of the entire goings on. But, with God’s direction
and help, all turned out well and once again Summer Camp was a
big hit with the kids and
the staff.
I haven’t done Summer Camp the last
two summers now. Things have changed for me and what I once loved about
summer camp has become a painful reminder
of a loss in my life. My wife of 19 years has left my son and
me.
She came to me one day and said she wasn’t in love with me anymore and
wanted out. I asked that we both seek counseling and she agreed to do that.
I thought we were making great progress with our counseling sessions and I
know I learned a great deal from them. But after six months of counseling she
stated that she didn’t get anything out of the counseling and that she
felt no different about me. The love for me was gone and she couldn’t
get it back.
Shortly after that, she moved out on Valentines
weekend and within a couple weeks filed for a divorce. The divorce became
final
the end of
July 2003.
She then turned in her resignation in January 2004 and two
weeks later packed up
her belongings and moved to Hawaii where she remarried before
the month of January was over. Now I may be wrong, and I
haven’t been able to confront
her with this, but it would seem to me that maybe there was
a relationship going on outside our marriage for some time. This man
she married was someone
we had met at summer camp in the White Mountains a few years
ago. Regardless, this whole thing has left me a little bitter and confused.
Now, after the wife moved out and I was
alone, I decided I needed to go on with my life. I was lonely and wanted
companionship.
I signed up for
one
of those dating services online and met a lady that lived
a
few
miles away. After
chatting online far some time, we agreed to have dinner
together. We
had a nice conversation during dinner and went out for
coffee afterwards to
continue our conversation. We continued to stay in contact
both online and over the
telephone. We have gone out several times and enjoy each
other’s company,
but there just didn’t seem to be any chemistry between
us other than becoming good friends.
Now here is where the honesty on my part
has to be. Back in the summer of ’98,
the wife and son had gone off to summer camp and I was
left at home. This was before I volunteered for the Alaska Camp. I had
four years sobriety under my
belt and was feeling pretty good about life in general.
The wife had been gone for a month and I was doing AA meetings pretty
much on a daily basis. During
those meetings, I started spending a lot of time with
a lady that was having a hard time staying sober. My initial intentions
were to help her stay sober
by occupying her spare time. Well, when they suggest
that men not sponsor women and vise versa, I suggest that you listen
to that suggestion! Without going
into details, we became too familiar with each other.
Shortly after this is when I had the opportunity to go to Alaska and
I took it. I had to make a decision
at this time, and my decision was to stay married and
discontinue this relationship with another woman. It was a painful and
ugly lesson for me. She went back
out drinking in a short while and I continued on with
my life as a husband and father, but my AA family seemed to have changed.
I shared with several
of my close AA friends and all of them helped to keep
me from that first drink, but my emotions and feelings were a real roller
coaster ride! Eventually, time
took care of those emotions and feelings and I continued
on with life.
Five years later and I find myself single
and I’ve decided that this
dating game sucks out loud. I’ve dated this lady I met online several
times now and as I mentioned, no chemistry. One day I’m on my PC and
I came across an old e-mail address. It was for the lady from AA some five
years ago and just on a whim, I sent her an e-mail telling of my present situation.
Asked if she would like to do dinner, etc. etc. etc. Well, as luck would have
it, she had managed to stop drinking, stop smoking and had a steady job. We
started seeing each other more and more and within a few months I moved in
with her. After 7 months, what started out as a wonderful and new relationship
ended in a terrible and hurtful argument and separation? Now I will be the
first to tell you, I have a very hard time expressing my feelings and thoughts
in words. My lack of such conversations has been my downfall for many, many
years. Try as I might, it seems that I always fall short in truly expressing
my feelings, thoughts and desires to anyone. This leads to many misunderstandings,
a lot of friction, and is no way to nurture a relationship. I handled this
relationship very poorly and actually should have never pursued a relationship
with this woman. I guess I was just looking for a replacement of something
I had for the last 19 years and found myself without so abruptly. I’m
so sorry I put this lady through this, and I apologize
openly and honestly. I know now that both 5 years ago,
and our recent relationship should never
have happened. It was my fault on both occasions and
I was thinking of myself instead of others, just one
of my character defects. I will strive to be aware
of this in the future. God please help me to remember
this and ask for your guidance in my daily life.
Today, I am sitting here in front of this
computer and to say the least, life for me has been different.
I am
currently
living
in
a mobile home
that I’m
renting. My 19-year-old son is living with me, but I don’t see much of
him. He is busy hanging out with all his friends for the summer. That leaves
me here by myself much of the time and I have discovered that I’m
not very healthy company to myself. I work for the
Mesa Public School system as
an Audio Visual Specialist at a Middle School. Therefore
I have 2 months off during the summer. I had planned
on doing summer camp this summer, but as the
time got closer to actually going, I found that my
emotions and my mind started going crazy. I had to
call and decline being the camp bus driver this year.
Memories of past summer camps that I am not dealing
with very well yet.
I love my job and I get along very well
with all my fellow staff, Of course, there are always a few
people
that
stand out and become
close
friends.
There are several where I work that I feel very
comfortable with in any conversation.
Some of them have been very helpful during my transition
from married to single. They are great people and
I appreciate all
they have
done for me.
At the end
of each school year, there is always some that
move on to other schools, careers or life styles. Sometimes
it
is one
of my
closer friends
and it is hard to
see them go. Some from the past I have been able
to stay in contact with and some I haven’t. This year, there have been two people that have left
and I consider close friends. One of them I gathered the courage to ask out
to dinner and a movie and she accepted. I felt like a giddy teenager on our
date. We had dinner and good conversation and then went to a kid’s movie
afterwards! We saw “Shrek 2” and we laughed, giggled and made fun
of each other about how old we were acting! It was a great evening and I really
enjoyed being with her. That was on a Saturday evening, May 29th. Here it is
not quite a month later and we have been seeing each other a couple times a
week or more. She is a wonderful lady and I have found myself once again wanting
a relationship that I probably shouldn’t even be considering right now.
I’m trying very hard to take this slow and easy, but it’s just
not coming easy for me. Today I finally got that little reminder from God that
all I need to do is ask for His help, and it will be given. Once again I’m
reminded that when I take control, everything in my life spirals down and crashes.
Today I got down on my knees and asked for help and guidance. Today, I stopped
hating God for my divorce and once again accepted Him into my life. Today,
I want and need his direction and am willing to accept it. It will take me
some time to once again ask Him daily for guidance, but I’m going to
do my best to. Thank you Lord for all you’ve given me, for all you’ve
taken away and for all you have left me. You are
an Awesome God!
I have one more thing to share
before I close this
update. Back on October 22, 1994 I started a
new life in sobriety.
It was
a rough
road to travel,
but with the help of a supporting family at home
and at AA meetings, and a loving
God, I managed to put together a number of 24
hours. More than 9 years worth of one day at a time. Not
too long ago,
I made
a decision
that
I no longer
needed to stay away from alcohol completely.
I have shocked many people with my picking up the
first
drink! I also
have several
people watching
me closely
and probably waiting to see if I go off the deep
end and become the uncontrollable drunk I once
used to
be. I cannot
predict
the future
for me or anyone
else, but to date, my drinking has been casual
and not abusive. I have a great
respect for alcohol and also a great fear because
I know what it is capable of. I’m
not going to try and justify my drinking; it’s just where I’m at
in my life today.
Your
Grateful Friend in Sobriety,
Gordon :-)
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