Hello!
My name is F.T. and I am an alcoholic.
My Story
--What it was like
I have to go back to my childhood, because really the behaviors and problems started there. I'm sure I didn't start that way but I became very moody and depressed as a child. I got kicked from school to school. I just didn't fit in very well. Being caught with Playboys in the first grade and stabbing another kid (with a dinner fork) in second grade probably didn't help me any.
I was sent to a strict private school for third grade, but as I was the youngest and shortest in my class I ended up being the one that everybody picked on, at least that's how it felt to me. Around this time a friend of mine from a couple of houses down our street was killed with four of his buddies when they found a live hand grenade buried in the yard next to theirs. My brother was born. Many things happened that year. I remember wanting to kill myself, and I was only eight.
As I grew up, I developed a bad pattern of always retreating from problems by hiding out in my room. Then I began to go straight to my room the instant I got home from school. I read voraciously. My whole life was lived out of science fiction books.
Our family went to church regularly, and that is almost an understatement. We went Sunday mornings and evenings, Wednesday and Saturday evenings. We went to all of the softball games and picnics and roller-skating outings. It was not accepted for me to say no, but I did end up having some fun there. I never doubted that there was a God, but my idea of God at this time though was of a harsh taskmaster that demanded a level of obedience. I thought God put people through tests and trials in order to find out if we 'have what it takes.' I thought that the way God showed His love for us was by giving us problems, to build our strength. I remember getting plastered at a wedding, which was probably amusing to the adults, but I was actually very embarrassed.
When I got out of High School, I got my first job, working in a full service gas station. I was the only attendant most of the time, and it was very busy a lot of times. I was a hard worker, and people began to tip me. Then a few people began to tip me with beer they had left over from their trip to the river. This was wonderful! I found I could hide a few cans in the water cooler tub, so I'd have some in reserve. I began to drink more and more. One day I asked the assistant manager (a friend) what happened to the drivers door on the boss's car, why it was all dented in. He was surprised, and told me I had kicked it in the night before. I couldn't remember a thing. I found one of the flattened beer cans and saved it as a reminder of where my drinking got me, so this was the first time I began to admit I had a drinking problem.
I decided to go to Bible College to become a minister. I really was idealistic, and I wanted very much to do what was right. Even in Bible College I found ways to drink, though, and sometimes to great excess. I was never caught out, although I had some narrow escapes. I ended up in a few 'sexcapades' with girls I got close to there, and engaged in all sorts of surreptitious shenanigans until, despite several amazing 'saves' of my academic career I found myself alone, lonely and depressed. My friends were all moving on, and there I was after 3 years, having my transcripts held back because of my involvement in a prank gone bad. I probably could've apologized and smoothed things over and continued my education there, but I figured I didn't need any of them anyhow and that I could succeed on my own regardless. I would just switch colleges!
I went to two other colleges, but depression was really setting in and I began to drop out of classes, one by one. Because I had always retreated from problems as a child I now carried that pattern on, and began to withdraw from everyone. Finally, I ended up taking a job recommended by a drinking buddy where it was (unofficially) acceptable to drink before, during, and after work -- an oil refinery! There were some that would come into work sober and leave work sauced, then there were those like myself who would come in already half primed (or more, on occasion).
At the height of my drinking, I was waking up and immediately going for the bottle of whiskey. I found that if I drank this way in the morning that I wouldn't have much of a hangover, and I began to need to do this to keep from having the shakes, which horrified me. Many nights I would walk from my apartment down the street to the nightclub there to try to pick up women and take in some music and entertainment. I felt there was nothing better in the world! I began to come out of blackouts (had them very frequently now) still dressed in my nightclub attire, and I would be at work in the boiler house with no recollection of how I had gotten there. Like the horse that knew his way back home, my body obviously still knew to go into work even when plastered! I thought this was great! However, I wasn't getting along with my crew mates at work, and I was desperately lonely and depressed.
I had long since stopped going to church, as I felt sickened by the hypocrites and even more disgusted with all of those stupid people with a sheep's mentality just looking for someone to follow. I had always prided myself on my great intellect, that I could see through all of the scams that caught those inferior to me, which was the general public. Because I was always the one to be picked on in grade school I found that I really didn't want to be part of society anyhow, that as far as I was concerned everybody could just take a flying leap.
I was disgusted with myself for 'losing' so much money, because I would have $200 in my pocket one day and only $20 the next with only hazy recollections in between. Women who wanted a free drink could always get me to pay, but that wasn't the worst of it. I began to buy expensive gifts for some of these women and even loans of several hundred dollars hoping against hope that one of them would like me enough to spend time with me.
I was pathetic, and I really began to see it. I was full of self-pity, and began to vividly envision how easy it would be to jump from the 17-story structure we had at work. This terrified me even more than the shakes. I stopped going up that structure at work, and I dismantled my shotgun for fear that in a weak moment I would give in, but then berating myself for being a chicken for not going through with it. I felt I was going insane!
--What happened
Then came the straw that broke the camel's back. My favorite waitress left the restaurant where I ate most all of my meals. She left, and I was devastated! I was bawling my eyes out in my stark apartment (drunk, of course), but in a moment of frustrated clarity I finally prayed to God, and told Him that I couldn't live like this any longer! I either had to have God 'fix' me, as I knew He could, or kill me, or I'd end up killing myself. I knew it was only a matter of time before I did go through with it, in a moment of weakness. Well, I made it through that night, and the next day, but I was really scared.
I went to the nightclub, but when there this time I stuck to drinking a soda only, no whiskey. The singer had such sad, deep eyes, somehow I just knew that she and I were alike. Somehow, when she went on break we ended up sitting next to each other. She noticed I was trying to drink a soda and we started to talk. It turned out that she was exactly like me in her drinking, but she had some history with AA and had started drinking again. It was amazing that we connected on so many levels. She insisted on taking me with her to an AA meeting. Although I still didn't fully realize that my problem was that I was an alcoholic I consented to go with her.
Wouldn't you know it that the very first meeting I went to in AA was a step study on the Third Step? Ha ha! I had always known that there was a God, all-powerful. I was just then beginning to see how my life was totally unmanageable, and I guess I did have somewhat of a problem controlling my drinking. So, I had Steps 1 and 2 licked already before my first meeting, and Step 3 was exactly where I needed to be!
It suddenly occurred to me while sitting there in that first meeting that this was the answer to my prayer I had prayed just a few days ago, alone in my apartment! Coincidences? I thought not! I suddenly became aware that God's hand was gently rearranging things in my life. That must mean He really cares about me! I couldn't blame God for my drinking, I was the one that poured it down my own throat after all. My whole concept of who and what God was totally changed in that first meeting of AA. Suddenly I found that He was a loving father, pulling His drowning son from the waves of despair.
Despite having such a profound experience and seeing clearly that there was a solution I continued to drink for about two weeks, don't ask me why 'cause I don't know. After several meetings and a few more drunks (that failed to bring the entertainment I thought they would) I saw that I needed to get with the program, so I finally went through with giving everything over to God. That was May 18, 1991, and I haven't had even a sip of alcohol since!
I made a list of all my resentments, and found that those things I resented were also the things I feared that they could hurt me in some way. I tried to see my part in each instance, and I was able to see an emerging pattern of the same defects over and over. I went over all of these things with my sponsor, and he asked me point blank if I wanted to get rid of these character defects. I said yes, and asked God to remove them. Then I took the list I had made and went to each person and tried to make amends as best I could. I say "try" because my family did not (and still doesn't) accept my apologies. Maybe it gives them a sense of power or something, I don't know, but I know I have done my part because I was 100% willing to make things right and I didn't hold anything back. I continued to take a regular inventory, prayed, and meditated every day for quite a while. I was active in carrying the message to other alcoholics.
--What it's like now
But you know what? I got married, had a couple of kids, got a great job and moved to a great location. I had everything in the world going for me, but I began to get restless, irritable, and discontented. Finally, I realized that what I had freely given to God before, my will and my life, I had taken back from Him. I was no longer praying, meditating, promptly admitting when I was wrong, and I was no longer carrying the message. I was like a stagnant pond of water. Again came the feelings of isolation from others. Thank God I found my way back, and I didn't drink throughout the whole experience so I still am sober since 5/18/91. God is still the same, but I am the one that has changed, and when I take control back from God He is still there, waiting for me to come back. I cannot fully describe how wonderfully free, fun, and exciting life is for me now! I am even happier now than when I was young. I no longer am dealing with depression since I gave it all back to God. I hope you see that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by following this course!
Yours truly,
"Friar Tuck"
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©Copyright 1999 by F.T. . All rights reserved. This page is privately maintained and is in no way affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous or any other organization or institution. The views and/or opinions are solely my own and does not represent the views or opinions of any organization.
Last edited on: May 01, 2004
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